Walking in the footsteps of my ancestors.

My first attempt was 1986 when I was 21. I had just failed out of college, had nothing on the horizon, and was aimlessly floundering. So I booked a 3-week solo backpacking trip to Ireland. 

My paternal grandfather, Michael Clancy, came to the U.S. at age 18 from Kilrush, Co. Clare. Part of me was yearning (in my current aimlessness) to connect with him and whatever family I had there. So, in the same spirit, off I went with no plan, other than wanting to meet Bono of U2. That's me on the right with a donkey and big hair on that trip.

Although I meet some great people (not Bono, though) and did some fun things, I was lonely and became overwhelmed with coming up with a plan on my own.

So I came home early. 

I felt like a complete failure, and I was ashamed.

Back then, I didn't like my own company. I did not like myself or my life. I felt totally uncomfortable in my body, and I had zero understanding about how the world worked. 

This month, I turned 50. To celebrate, I planned a trip back to Ireland. I also tacked on a trip to Scotland, where my paternal great-grandfather was born and raised before he emigrated to the U.S. 

Going back felt like a reclamation of a lost part of myself.

I do parts work with every single client, also known as Internal Family Systems. I do much of the same taking care of my own parts that I teach clients how to do. I was very aware that this part was holding so much shame about how much I wasn’t able to function during this time in my life.

I know that I was not a failure back then. There was and is nothing to be ashamed of. I have such compassion for the big-haired girl back in 1986. She was really struggling and searching outside of herself for her place in the world. She wanted desperately to feel better and at ease. 

 Now at 50, I enjoy my own company. I'm at ease in my body and make it a good home for myself. I have a much better understanding of how the world works and my amazing and unique place in it. The second photo above is a selfie on my 50th birthday, at the edge of the River Ness in the Highlands of Scotland. When I look at 50-year-old me, I love what I see. The light in my eyes and the joy on my face.

As I walked the earth of my ancestors this time, I felt deep healing take place. Into my bones. I gave thanks to my ancestors and felt deep compassion for them, too. Leaving the places they knew and their families could not have been easy. I thanked them for their courage and have made it my own.