The Tale of the Distancer and the Pursuer
You both argue.
It heats up.
You need space to cool down.
He/she/they wants to stay and finish it.
You walk away.
He/She/they follows you.
You retreat to the bathroom and lock the door.
He/SheThey bangs on it and waits, nose to the door, until you respond.
This is a classic relationship dance, also known as the distancer and the pursuer.
The Distancer
Needs:
Breathing room and space. Conflicts can trigger the biological bells and whistles ... racing heart, sweaty palms, dry mouth. Feelings shoot up and spill over the top, causing overwhelm. Retreat is necessary to turn the volume down on thoughts, feelings and body sensations.
The Pursuer
Needs: Stay in it until it’s resolved. Otherwise, same thing -- their own biological bells and whistles stay active. They can end up feeling abandoned and alone.
There’s no right and wrong style.
But the two clash because of opposing needs for space and closeness.
photo by Tim Mossholder
Here’s one approach for peace:
When both of you are calm, have a sit-down about your own conflict style and what you need. Make a commitment to try this next time.
For the distancer:
Say that you need space and that you’ll resume the conversation when you feel ready.
Important: Keep your word. Go back to the conflict -- don’t use space as a excuse to shut it down forever (yep ... we already know that trick).
For the pursuer:
Say that you’d like to resolve it now, but that you’ll give space until the other person is ready.
Important: Keep your word and honor the space -- don’t resume the conflict until the other person is ready. I’m not going to lie — this part takes a lot of practice).
FYI: Keeping your word builds trust.
Try it. Practice it. Tweak it. Tell me what you notice.
Here’s one approach for peace:
When both of you are calm, have a sit-down about your own conflict style and what you need. Make a commitment to try this next time.
For the distancer:
Say that you need space and that you’ll resume the conversation when you feel ready.
Important: Keep your word. Go back to the conflict -- don’t use space as a excuse to shut it down forever (yep ... we already know that trick).
For the pursuer:
Say that you’d like to resolve it now, but that you’ll give space until the other person is ready.
Important: Keep your word and honor the space -- don’t resume the conflict until the other person is ready. I’m not going to lie — this part takes a lot of practice).
FYI: Keeping your word builds trust.
Try it. Practice it. Tweak it. Tell me what you notice.