It's really humbling.
I've been on a spiritual journey since I was a teenager. I'm into my 50s now, and sometimes I slide into the territory of feeling like I may have it all figured out.
Something happens that brings me right back to square one. Take what happened at Boot Camp class last Sunday.
I love this class. It's really hard, and I really push myself. I like to go early and claim a good spot in the studio where it's held, but I rarely can make that happen. Last week, I did. I was so excited! I found a good spot and set up my weights, my jumprope, my steps. I was ready to go.
The workout for Boot Camp changes every week, but it always involves rounds of high intensity aerobic exercise mixed with weight training. Sometimes the rounds begin with running upstairs to the indoor track, circling the track 5 times, then running back down to the studio and continuing with the rest.
So I ran up the stairs, around the track 5 times, and back down. When I got back to the studio, I found another woman using my equipment!
I was immediately pissed.
It took me no time to create a whole story in my head about how she was ruining my class and had some nerve taking over my equipment.
I tried to recover and do something else, but it was hard. This woman had no idea that she was using my equipment. She was probably late and thought that we were sharing equipment, as we occasionally do.
I trudged through (and fumed through) the rest of the class. Something interesting also happened at the same time. Alongside my anger, I was noticed that I was watching myself, as if from above. I was wondering what the hell I was so upset about and why I was taking ownership of equipment that the gym owned. I was watching this part of me take over from the calm and compassionate person I usually am.
Even so, I couldn't help it.
After class was over, I went home, I was able to calm down.
I felt embarrassed that I acted like such an angry jerk.
After that came up and subsided, I shifted into self compassion and humility.
I could see that this part of me -- that felt like I couldn't share and like this woman ruined my workout -- was my edge.